You Change First - I Insist

You Change First, I Insist - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

“Fix Her And Then We Will be Okay.”

Couples often come to counselling with the mistaken notion that if the therapist changes the other person then magically all the problems will disappear.

A shift from right and wrong to an understanding of how relationships are co-created is what IMAGO Relationship Therapy is all about.

Here is what the process of change often looks like.

  • “I don’t have a problem. You are the one with the problem”
  • “I may be part of the problem but I am misunderstood and really not to blame for the nightmare. I would handle myself better if you were not so difficult”
  • “I will think about changing but he has to go first”
  • “It is possible that I may have something to do with our problems”
  • “I might start thinking about what I can do differently for a better outcome”
  • “I think I will experiment with being different in this relationship”
  • “I can see that I have an equal contribution to our problems, the way that we are treating each other is causing us both pain”

We Have Created A Big Mess Together

Can you see where you are stuck?  Did you read the list trying to place your partner or did you think about your part?

The answer to that question will alert you to the degree that you are self-reflecting on your part of the problem

Holding back and waiting for the other person to make the first change move is a passive existence.

Once a couple begins to understand the problem co-creation then there is generosity of spirit and one person doesn’t carry all the shame for being the “messed up” one.  Then, growth and healing is possible, not one minute before.

Go first!

Be the more grown up half of the partnership.

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This entry was posted on Monday, January 3rd, 2011 at 8:00 AM and is filed under IMAGO and Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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