Zero Negativity

Zero Negativity - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

Can you eliminate all shame, blame and criticism?

Are you addicted to negativity? Are you a fault-finder or a love-finder?

Many couples are stuck in blaming, shaming and criticizing in a warped attempt to get their partner to pay attention and understand their frustrations.

Couples resort to negative tactics when they are unable to identify and talk about the unmet needs underneath the criticisms.

How do you begin to emerge out of the trap of negativity?

The Answer

  • Learn to love your partner in the way he/she wants to be loved
  • Take the time to learn about what touches your partner’s heart, the unique ways they like to be treated
  • Make your partner’s desires and needs as important as your own
  • Be committed to repairing after a hurtful argument
  • Refuse to accept hurtful behaviour from one another
  • Keep focussed on what is right about your partner, rather than what is wrong

Build A Culture Of Appreciation, IMAGO Style

All IMAGO sessions begin with partner’s expressing their appreciation for each other. Partners are challenged to find this nugget even when there is incredible frustration, anger and hurt.

For many couples the negative aspects of their relationship are looming so large that they are no longer in touch with what they value and appreciate about each other. The appreciations are buried underneath the hurt, pain and disconnect.

Creating an environment of appreciation is the most important thing that you  can do for your relationship. All negative interactions register in your limbic brain (area of feeling, emotional memory) as threat. This activates the fight or flight response that underlies all the difficulties in relationships.

Creating and preserving “safety” in your relationship should be a daily priority. Safety means that you feel free to express your thoughts and feelings without attack or retaliation.

“You can be right or you can be in relationship”

Don’t get hung up on self-righteous anger. This is really hard to do because anger makes you feel a surge of power and creates the illusion of clarity.

Experiment and aim for a state of zero negativity. Even a subtle shift can have a transformative impact on your relationship.

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This entry was posted on Monday, April 25th, 2011 at 8:00 AM and is filed under IMAGO and Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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