Thoughts on Counselling and Relationships Blog

You Change First - I Insist

You Change First, I Insist - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

“Fix Her And Then We Will be Okay.”

Couples often come to counselling with the mistaken notion that if the therapist changes the other person then magically all the problems will disappear.

A shift from right and wrong to an understanding of how relationships are co-created is what IMAGO Relationship Therapy is all about.

Here is what the process of change often looks like. Read more »

What Did I Do?

What Did I Do - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

Your partner is angry and and you ask, “What Did I Do?”

Your tone is a dead give away whether you are defensive or curious. Do you respond or react?

So which will get you to a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner? I know, that question is a set up, the answer is obvious. And the answer is always the harder route. Read more »

Are You a Prisoner of Your Own Thoughts?

Are You A Prisoner Of Your Own Thoughts - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

Put a name to the impulses that direct your actions!

Clients are always relieved to know that there is a more accurate explanation for unhealthy patterns than the explanation they give themselves.

Usually the personal explanation is punitive, self-deprecatory, not inspiring or enlightening. Read more »

The Power of Connection

This video is amazing!

Take the time to watch. You are guaranteed to learn from this inspirational talk.

IMAGO Therapist and innovator Hedy Schleifer was invited to give a prestigious TED Talk on the Power of Connection.

If you want deeper insight into IMAGO Couples Dialogue, this is for you.

Check out the video after the jump:

Read more »

Change One Little Word

Change One Little Word - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

It pays to think before you speak.

You can hear and feel the difference between “I need you to pick up your socks” and “You are so #@!! lazy”.

One version is load and shoot and the other is artful diplomacy.  The art of  speaking so other people listen can be dependent on the change of just one little word.

It is amazing how the choice of a particular word can turn a receptive partner into a defensive, antagonized person. Read more »

Just Let It Go Is Easy To Say

Just Let It Go - Easy For Them To Say - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

“Let It Go” often means “Get Over It”

And that’s not the most helpful thing to say.

I notice my clients will tell themselves, “I should be able to get over this” and then judge themselves harshly for being unable to do so. It’s not a matter of letting go, you would if you could.

When you move away from the confounding statement “Let It Go” then you can start to think about the idea of “Let It Be”. This changes everything. Read more »

Love TKO

Love TKO - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

Don’t keep your guard up in a relationship.

If you do, you’re guaranteed to keep the love out, too.

When it comes to love, things are not always what they seem.

Why is it that you block the love  your partner is trying to give you? You say you want to feel close and be loved, but you behave in a way that guarantees you will not feel loved? Read more »

Quick Fixes For Broken Relationships?

Is A Quick Fix Possible For A Broken Relationship - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

Is there such a thing?

There are a number of behaviours that you can change which will have an instant impact on your relationship.

What do a few of the top researchers and clinicians say about what transforms a relationship from painful and confusing to connected and secure? Read more »

I Said I Was Sorry!

What Makes For A Good Apology - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

Why does the apology fall flat?

Your heart was in the right place and your intention was pure…what went wrong?

Apology is an art form, one which can be learned.  There are some fundamental ingredients which form the basis of a genuine, non-defensive, responsible apology. Read more »

What Is Imago Relationship Therapy?

What Is Imago Therapy - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

“We wish we could bring you home!”

Before beginning my training as an IMAGO Relationship Therapist I would hear this from my couples.

Couples would leave the sessions with insight about their relationship dynamic, ideas about what to do differently but feeling ill equipped to change their behaviour in a tense moment.

I practiced traditional couples therapy for well over a decade before beginning my training in Imago Relationship Therapy. The differences in outcome for couples has been amazing! Couples are given new skills, new ways of listening and relating.

What does the term IMAGO mean? What is IMAGO Relationship Therapy? Here is the Coles Notes version… Read more »

Remove The Thorns From Your Heart

Remove The Thorns From Your Heart - Resentment - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

Resentment and anger have amphetaminic effects.

They provide an immediate surge of energy and a numbing of pain – a feeling of personal power, which is a cover for underlying feelings of helplessness and inadequacy.

The upside of any amphetamine is that you get the powerful surge of confidence, but it is followed by an equally powerful crash. You drop down even lower than where you started. Read more »

To Love Big, Think Small Everyday

To Love Big Think Small Every Day - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

Sustained repair and recovery takes little steps

It does not come in titanic waves, it is the small steady current that determines where the stream flows.

A full relationship recovery  is a quieter process. Relationships require a steady investment of time and emotional energy. Read more »

How Can I Forgive You?

How Can I Forgive You - Book Review - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

Cheap forgiveness is a quick and easy pardon.

There is no processing of emotion and no coming to terms with the injury.

When you refuse to forgive, you hold tenaciously to your anger. When you forgive cheaply, you simply let your anger go. Is there another way of looking at this age old dilemma?

Is forgiveness good for you? Is it necessary to forgive in order to heal? Perhaps not. Read more »

Approach, Avoid, Attack

Approach Avoid Attack - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

All interactions are based on three behaviours.

In love relationships:

Approach is showing interest, enjoyment, compassion and care. You turn towards each other.

Avoid means you want to get away from your partner, blow off their perspective or have them shut up. The implication is that the other is not worth your attention.

Attack is an attempt to undermine confidence, to get the other person to agree with you and do what you want. Read more »

If The Buddha Got Stuck

If The Buddha Got Stuck - Book Review - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

I’m Stuck!

This is what I often hear from individual clients as the reason for seeking psychotherapy.

Charlotte Kasl, PhD. has written a brilliant book, If The Buddha Got Stuck, about the psychological make up of people who get stuck in their lives and relationships. Read more »

Support, Not Control

Support, Not Control - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

I want to feel like I have someone who has my back.

This is the dream that couples are chasing after. The nightmare begins when attempts to “support” our partner become controlling gestures.

How does support get confused with control? Read more »

Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway - Book Review - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling

A classic book that predates Nike’s slogan, Just Do It!

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is a crucial read for anyone considering change and needing to summon up the courage to move from thinking to action. It is a book on fear, emotional paralysis, and the importance of self-responsibility.

I have been recommending this book to clients for years. This powerful book has an impact on everyone who is ready to move from analysis paralysis to the active creation of a fulfilling life. Read more »

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Mirror Mirror on the Wall - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

When you alter your relationship with yourself, your external world will be altered accordingly.

The issues in our relationships are mirroring back to us our internal issues with ourselves. If you are having difficulty sustaining intimate, nurturing and committed relationships: the place to look is your relationship with yourself.

In what ways am I failing to love, nurture and commit to myself? Read more »

Wake Up From Your Deep Slumber

Wake Up From Your Deep Slumber - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

Can you release unconscious relationship patterns?

This is not for the faint of heart.

I hear many of my clients say: “I can’t believe  I do this to myself over and over again. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I find someone to love me?” Read more »

The Blame and Shame Game

The Blame and Shame Game - Cheryl Woolstone Counselling Blog

Pointing fingers doesn’t help.

“Whenever you are pointing your finger at someone, notice that there are always three fingers pointing back at you.”

Great quote! Keep this visual in mind next time you find yourself lapsing into making excuses and blaming others for your choices.

Stop and ask yourself, “What is it that I am unwilling to be responsible for in this situation?” Read more »

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